walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
