When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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