Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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