I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
