apparently the secret to your success is patron
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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