i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
