Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
