Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
