My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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