Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
