She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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