I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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