Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
