put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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