She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
