Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
