the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
