Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i drank out of a bidet.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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