I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
