also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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