This is not my ceiling
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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