I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
