I will die if light touches me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
