I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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