boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
