The maid of honor just puked.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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