I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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