I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
