Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
