so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
