Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
