Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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