Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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