just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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