3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
