I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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