i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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