too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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