So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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