I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
