I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
