Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
