you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize