Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
