I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's rum buckets o'clock
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
