I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
