He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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