Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You can't just leave with hair like that
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
