you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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