sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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