I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize