You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
