I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
