Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
