I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Randomize
